....and there it is again, stress.

Kitchen is together and looks great (hooray!) ....

...only now I discover that they did not replace the insulation and drywall behind the sink. This means that I have to have a large chunk of this work re-done. Trying not to stress is like trying not to breathe. Even if you can do it for a little while, when you stop trying, it starts again, and it's even more intense than before.

I took a shower Saturday. Was it Saturday? I think it was Saturday.

Continuing to cope with this feeling of just trying to stay right-side-up. Working from home is an amazing boon. I don't know how I'd manage without it. Regarding today's title .... That was Monday; I realized while at the NICU that it had been a while since I'd sprayed off the top layer of gunk. It's gross, I know. But I literally feel like it's a huge luxury to take a shower. Not for the $0.38 in hot water and $0.23 in cleaning products, but because it's a good 20 minutes from "going in dirty" to "coming out dressed and dry"; right now, my priorities are visiting boys, getting work done, sleeping, and (maybe?) working out. So I feel like I'm stealing from my other priorities with anything else.

In happier news, the kitchen is done and looks amazing. Got a new sink - stainless steel - and one of those faucets with the built-in sprayer. It looks SHARP.

What it's like

I am *supposed* to be on a work from home contract. It was supposed to start in early September...then mid September...then several times in October.

It still hasn't started. I'm able to do some work from home and augment that with vacation time, but this is not sustainable.

Here's how I feel:

I'm in a diner. For various reasons, the ONLY thing I can eat on the menu is french fries. But the cook won't turn on the fryer until a couple more people order fries. So I wait. I can't really ask other patrons "Hey, wouldn't you like some fries?" and the cook tells me "Well, the regulars usually come in at 10. They'll order fries." They don't show up. 10 comes, then 11. I eat a couple of packets of crackers. 12 comes and goes. Nobody in the lunch rush orders fries. I eat more crackers. I make a sandwich with crackers, ketchup, and mustard. It's disgusting. I order a glass of water.

I have no control over this decision, and the people who *do* have control have no motivation to hurry.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting at the counter eating goddamn crackers.

Holding them

Today was pretty amazing. I got to hold my babies. Not Kangaroo Care, where they nestle against my chest (which is great and all, but it's 60 very quiet minutes of not moving). This was actually picking up my boys from cribs, holding them, and putting them back.

You never know how much you can appreciate such a simple act.

The boys are doing okay, their head ultrasounds & chest xrays & eye exams came back pretty much normal; their biggest hurdle is the breathing. As soon as they can slow down their breathing, everything else will fall in line.